Analyzing Passion

So my husband has been out of town…well, for a whole half a day now. And my best friend is also out of town. My two buddies, who I don’t go a day without talking to or hanging out with, are both MIA (from me, anyway). And that’s led me to have quiet alone time to think and reflect…

I’m realizing that I get passionate about certain things - whether good or bad. Something trips a wire inside of me and I either get super excited and go all out supporting something, or I get super angry, and go all out trying to change what I’m angry about. And then if I feel helpless and hopeless, and there’s nothing I can do to change it, then I get emotional.

If I feel taken advantage of, or I see others are being taken advantage of, it makes me angry, and want to do something about it. Makes me want to take action. I usually pinpoint who/what I view to be the root of the situation, and I focus my efforts on that thing(s) - and I try to fix it. 

I see people being overworked and underpaid…

…I want to do something about it. I see sexism in the workplace, I want to stand up and say something about it, prompting a change in behavior. I see the current government taking advantage of the people, I want to change the government. Hence, my latest passion for politics. I want to be a part of change in the world.

And then if I feel helpless or hopeless, like when I’ve been yet again screwed by an insurance company and there’s no amount of hours you can spend arguing with someone on the other end of the phone line that will change the situation. The sheer fact that they’re stealing hours from my life, just so I can try to get them to do the one thing that I’m paying them every month to do. And then fail.

That kind of stuff just makes my want to cry. And I usually do. Yep. The hopeless feeling that someone is going to take advantage of you and there’s nothing you can do about it. 

Yep. That’s pretty much what I’m figuring out. I’m a passionate person. And I knew that part, but I’m figuring out more about what that passion looks like, and how negative and positive things in my life affect it. The passion will come out one way or another - just in a different form. But I can’t hide it. So now I just have to find a way to cut out all the negative in my life and only leave the positive…hmmm. That is going to be quite the task. But I’m ready to take it on. 

I don’t get no respect. No respect.

Sometimes I can’t decide whether to laugh or cry. Or just curl up in the fetal position and rock back and forth. Yeah, I might be a little crazy. I just feel that some situations elicit such a response from you, a response that involves more than just a nod of the head in agreeance, or a shaking of the head in disproval, or even a mouth-dropped-open-in-disbelief kind of look. Who needs such subtle responses? Sometimes I just want to smack people across the face because they’re being dumb, or laugh out loud at them when they demand you drop everything you’re doing to come assist them in some way, like somehow they’re life is worth more than yours. Or sometimes I just want to have a voice recorder handy so I can record ridiculous conversations I have throughout the day, then play it back to that person saying, “Do you hear how ridiculous you sound?”

I realize that I sound a lot like a bitter cynical jaded being whose been overworked, underpaid, and disrespected. Oh wait…I am. And I’ll admit it freely (well, freely under a different name).

Sometimes I just don’t get people. Why would a person want to treat another person with disrespect, whether that be with time, money, or words? Can you even imagine what would happen if everyone exercised the Golden Rule and did unto others as they would have them do to you? That Jesus guy knew what He was talking about…the world would be a different place.

Ironically, though, some modern churches are not exempt from acting like this, or treating others this way. Maybe to the public eye, they’re “church-like”, but when it comes down to dollars and cents, they’re just like any other business, or worse. And they’re doing it all in the name of Christ. It’s straight-up hypocritical. And no one seems to care. Because they all have their agenda and they all want their way. And they’ll step on anyone they have to to get there. I stayed out of pursuing big corporate jobs for this reason. I just wanted to surround myself with real people who genuinely cared about real people. I mistakenly thought that a church would be such a place. What was I thinking?

In my last job, I worked for a company owned by a homosexual couple. They are to this day two of the sweetest most giving people who would literally give you the shirt off their back if you needed it. You knew when you worked for them that they genuinely cared about you as a person.

Christ has called us to be the “light of the world”. What is wrong in this stupid culture that non-Christian homosexuals are more genuinely caring for people than Christians in a CHURCH?! I am losing hope in the “church”. I have never been more cynical of the Christian faith in all my life (not with God or Jesus Christ - just the Christian faith and Christian church). And I just can’t help but be extremely saddened by that fact. This is not the way that it was intended to be. This is not the way that Jesus taught.

And some people that work in some churches (both will remain unnamed) think that they are somehow a step above the rest, and they’re going to make sure that everyone acts according to what they deem important to move their own agenda forward. I think some of them are clueless. I think they’re a product of their parents and a product of their environment. Most of the offenders I’m referring to have grown up in that church, some of their parents even work there, and it’s all one big ball of power that pushes (knowingly or unknowingly) everyone else around.

I’ve resorted to skipping church the last three weeks. I’ve gone for months sitting in church while having to have private conversations with God during the sermon or a famous offering speech, asking Him to correct my attitude and not let everything going on around me be a distraction for just simply learning more about Him and worshiping Him. I did that for months. Until it was just too much. It was making me loathe church and everything about it. I didn’t want to hate church. I don’t want to hate church. I grew up in the church. The church has probably been the biggest part of my identity for as long as I can remember. My parents helped start my home church when I was a baby, and my entire family was actively involved for pretty much my entire existence. I love the church. So I guess this is an attempt to save that love. I hope it’s not too late.

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